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Narrator: The phone in the radio station starts ringing once again. Dwight takes a call from Dennis the mortician.

Dwight: Listeners, we now have Dennis the mortician on the line. Have you got got any interesting comments and questions for us this evening, Dennis?

Dennis: You bet I do. First of all get that yahoo, Lloyd the Barber, off your show. He's a drunk, an idiot and a D rate actor.

Lloyd the Barber: So you're the guy who's been putting the moves on my girlfriend, Nurse Jane.

Dennis: First of all Lloyd, she's your ex girlfriend. She told me that she has no interest to you whatsoever. Furthermore you need to stop stalking her.

Lloyd: What do you mean stalking her?

Dennis: Well, what do you call hiding behind a fake palm tree and eaves dropping on our conversation at Dusty's Tavern?

Lloyd: That's not stalking. I was just trying to find out if she was really dating a bozo like you.

Rick: Listeners, once again we're advising you to send your children out to the barn to do some chores at this time. Some listeners may find the following comments to be very offensive.

Dwight: That's right. Our show is supposed to be family friendly

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a great actor like Andy Griffin while you can't act worth a hill of beans yourself.

Rick: Come on, boys. This is starting to get personal.

Dwight: That's right Rick. I think that we should ask the listeners to get their children to stay out of the room while this segment of the show is running.

Rick: Dwight's right, listeners. The content on tonight's show is getting pretty intense. This might be a good time to send your kids out to the barn to do a few chores.

Dwight: In fact, listeners it's time to cut to a commercial from tonight's sponsor Moe's Garage, where your car gets fixed right at a fair, honest price.

Moe: How dare you run my commercial now? You just finished slandering the reputation of Moe's Garage.

Rick: Well, you're paying for the commercial airtime whether we run it or not Moe.

Moe: What?! Who do you think is going to come to my garage now that they've heard that my washroom is filthy?

Dwight: Everybody, Moe. You got the only service station in fifty miles of Roswell.

Moe: All right, run the damn commercial then!

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working on the alien while a photographer was in the room taking pictures. She also said there was a cameraman shooting film with a 16mm Bell and Howell camera. Jane said she had to leave the room because she was feeling sick to her stomach. She said that the smell

in the operating room was absolutely horrible.

Dwight: Was it anything like the smell in the washroom at Moe's Garage?

Floyd: That's exactly what she compared it to.

Rick: Whoa! That is bad. The last time I was in the washroom at Moe's Garage I felt like I was going to puke.

Narrator: The phone starts ringing in the control room. Dwight picks up the phone.

Dwight: Listeners, we have Moe Phillips, the owner of Moe's Garage on the line.

Moe: What's this I hear about a filthy, smelly washroom at Moe's Garage?

Lloyd: You been in there recently, Moe? The odor is disgusting.

Moe: You want to know what's really disgusting Lloyd?

Lloyd: What?

Moe: Your acting. You have the gall to come on the show and insult

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Floyd: There, look at my sleeve.

Dwight: It looks like you blew your nose on it, Lloyd.

Floyd: No not that! Look at the picture I drew.

Rick: What is it, Lloyd?

Floyd: It's a picture of a creature from outer space.

Dwight: Lloyd, you probably copied this picture out of a comic book.

Floyd: Okay, here's my story. This afternoon I was at Dusty's Tavern having a few beers. When I was there I spotted my old girlfriend, Jane sitting there with Dennis the new town mortician. I hid behind a

fake palm tree and got close enough to hear what they were saying. Jane is a nurse at the Roswell Hospital. She was telling Dennis that she was in the operating room when the surgeons were performing an autopsy on a dead alien. Dennis the mortician asked her to draw a picture of the creature that she saw. While I was hiding behind the palm tree I sketched the picture of my shirt sleeve. Right after that I had to sneeze. That's where you see the green splotch on the picture.

Rick: You weren't kidding Lloyd. This is an amazing story.

Dwight: What do you remember about Dennis and Jane's conversation?

Floyd: I remember Nurse Jane saying that there were some surgeons

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night. Like I said earlier, I got a little carried away. I've been having a hard time lately. My wife left me because I wasn't making enough money to keep the ranch going. So I got up in the morning, feeling very sorry for myself and started drinking. Then I start getting real lonely so I went down to Dusty's Tavern to have some company. I had quite a few beers while I was at Dusty's. My guess is that the alcohol clouded my judgment. When I got to the radio station I convinced myself that I'd seen pieces of a flying saucer on my ranch.

General Kane and Private Enns drove me back to the ranch and showed me what really fell on my ranch. It was a weather balloon. My conscience started to bother me so I figured I better get down to the radio station and tell everyone the real story. I'm sorry if I upset anyone.

Dwight: Mick, we didn't smell alcohol on your breath when you were here before.

Rick Yeah, why are you sweating so much Mick?

Dwight: I think maybe those Air Force guys put some heavy pressure on you to change story.

Lloyd the Barber: So do I.

Rick: Why do you say that Lloyd?

Floyd: I'll tell you why. I know for a fact that a flying saucer has crashed near Roswell.

Rick: What proof do you have Lloyd?

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I whisper his lines to him from behind the couch.

Dwight: Who would've thought it? Oh no! The red “on air” sign has been on the whole time!

Rick: Our apologies, listeners. We didn't mean for you to hear that. I'm sure the Lloyd the Barber will tell you that he was only joking.

Lloyd: I will not! It's the truth.

Dwight I''ll get the phone. We got a caller on the line.

Act Eight Scene Two:

Narrator: Just as Dwight is about to open his mouth, Mick Russell comes rushing through the front door of the station.

Rick: Mick, how did you escape from the General?

Mick: Well, to tell you the truth Rick, I have a confession to make. I got a little carried away earlier this morning in my interview.

Dwight: What do you mean,Mick?

Mick: When I told you about the pieces of a crashed flying saucer on my ranch I exaggerated a little bit.

Rick: Exaggerated how?

Mick: Well guys, a flying saucer really didn't crash on my ranch last  

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too steady on his feet.

Rick: You look pretty drunk, Lloyd. Are you sure that you can do the interview?

Floyd: Damn right I can. I only drank about six Bud. Anyway, you guys are going to be famous worldwide after this interview.

Dwight: Lloyd we know that the Andy Griffin Show is popular in Roswell but I don't think too many people have heard about it anywhere else.

Floyd: I didn't come here to talk about the damn Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: What?! Look Lloyd, the Andy Griffin Show was the top-rated show in Roswell last year and that's what our listeners expect you to

talk about.

Dwight: What else would you talk about? Cutting hair or playing checkers?

Lloyd: You're one funny boy, Dwight. Let me first tell you guys why you don't want me to talk about the Andy Griffin Show. Andy Griffin can't even remember his lines for the show even when he's sober which is not very often.

Rick: Ah come on, Lloyd, I've never heard Andy flub his lines on the show.

Lloyd: That's thanks only to me! I hide behind Aunt Bee's couch.

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Hoss: One problem, Harv. How do we get out to the desert?

Harvey: We''ll go to the compound and get your car.

Hoss: But what if our supervisor recognizes us?

Dwight: Look you guys, there's some cartoon character costumes in our storage room. Feel free to use those as disguises.

Narrator: Hoss dresses up as Elmer Fudd and Harvey dons the Yosemite Sam costume. As Harvey and Hoss leave the radio station Rick and Dwight are laughing so hard that tears are running down their cheeks.

Rick: Dwight, whose keys are those hanging on the hook in the office?

Dwight: I don't know. I found them on the floor after the Air Force guys took Mick away.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty's Tavern, Lloyd

decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone's knocking at the door Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I'm only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight let's Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not

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Dwight: Who knows? The same two Air Force guys kidnapped him again while he was on the air for the second time today.

Rick: Yeah, twice in one day. That boy is having a real bad day.

Dwight: You think Mick's having a bad day? Poor baby. How about us? Our radio station's been trashed twice today.

Hoss: So where do you think the Air Force guys took Mick?

Rick: Well, there are two possibilities. One is that they took him back to the Air Force Base for questioning. The other is they took him out to the desert to shoot him..

Dwight: Rick, The Air Force wouldn't take Mick out into the desert to shoot him.

Rick: Have you ever heard about Hiroshima, Dwight?

Dwight: Oh, yeah. I see what you are saying.

Rick: That's the reason that I'm the lead broadcaster and you're my assistant.

Dwight: I didn't know that. I always thought it was because you married the owner's daughter.

Harvey: Come on, Hoss. We've got to get the keys to the truck back. We'll go to the Air Force Base first. If Mick's not there then we'll search the desert for him.

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Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who comes to the station is trying to destroy the place.

Harvey: Don't get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair

bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you for all the damage.

Hoss: Yeah, we're dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He's got to be in here.

Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck.

Rick: Well, he's not here now.

Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with

bunch of dead aliens.

Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?

Rick: How did you know?

Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck.

Harvey: Where is Mick now? He's got the keys to our truck.

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after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.

Steve: Gee thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.

Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn't believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring.

Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I'll give him all the blood and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!

Act Seven Scene Three:

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the to dogcatcher start walking back down and about 30 minutes and make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.

Harvey: Look, Hoss. There's our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.

Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.

Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?

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Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.

Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you're wearing wrestling trunks and boots?

Harry: Well, right after my last match, two criminals broke in the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.

Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude's clothes. It's really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it's awful chilly out in these parts. We'll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won't be easy though, Harry. You're a pretty big guy.

Steve: Harry's stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.

Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When's your next match?

Steve: I'm the Mauler's manager. We're out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He's barred from all our old territories because he has a bad habit of hanging promoters over the bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don't book him in the main event. I'm going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?

Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He's the guy I'm running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troops morale. I'll tell you what. You buys boys ride with me to Roswell

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guards chasing after them.

Harry: Meanwhile we're in a different state 50 years in the past.

Steve: Man, I'm getting pretty hungry. We need to find a truck stop. Maybe if we do some walking around we'll find a highway.

Harry: Good idea. We”ll wait for a trucker on his way into town.

Act Seven Scene Two:

Narrator: Jim, the security guard is now driving down the highway on his way to Corona to get the General his burgers, pepperoni sticks and cigars. He sees two hitch hikers trying to thumb a ride. Jim stops to pick them up.

Jim: Howdy boys, I'm going as far as Corona. Will that help you out?

Harry: It sure will. Are there any restaurants in Corona? We're really hungry.

Jim: Well there's a Burger King and a 7-11. It's about a two hour ride to Corona from here. If you guys are really starving I've got a couple boxes of Animal Crackers in the car. Well, hop in boys. I'm running an errand for the General.

Steve: Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate it.

Narrator: Harry and Steve get in the back of Jim's old Volkswagen 

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we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, It's mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What's that big fancy wheel with all the fancy colors.

Steve: I don't know . Let's check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that's all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can't resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmers field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would've thought of a better escape?

Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!

Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the

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compartment.

Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the

cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear

rattling and hissing sounds behind him.

Hoss: Watch out Harv! There's a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike right behind you. Don't worry I'll try to scare him off.

Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.

Harvey: Hoss, get me to the Roswell Hospital fast! I need to get a shot of the antidote for the snake venom.

Act Nine Scene Two:

Narrator: It is now time to bring back two characters from my previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O'Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry O'Finsky were in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O'Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We'll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested or killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons

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Moe: What?!

Hoss: Harvey doesn't know what he's saying. He's out of his head with the heatstroke. We just finished working this kids picnic. We

were out in the hot sun for a couple of hours. It gets mighty hot in these costumes. We're in a hurry to get to the rodeo so we didn't have time to change out of our costumes.

Harvey: Yeah, and my stomach is starting to feel a little queasy. Can I get the keys to your washroom?

Moe: The washroom's all boarded up. Two guys from the Health Department shut her down this morning. They said they were listening to Rick and Dwight's radio show and heard that my washroom was filthy.

Harvey: What can I do? I got to go real bad.

Moe: Well, I got a big cactus plant growing behind the garage. Nobody can see you from the road.

Narrator: Harvey gets behind the big cactus plant and tries to unzip his costume. The zipper gets stuck and Harvey has to cut a hole in the backside of the costume with his Swiss Army knife. Harvey leans back on the cactus plant in order to get his balance. His butt gets punctured by the thorns sticking out of the cactus plant.

Harvey: Yow! That hurts. There's nothing like getting cactus prickles in your butt when you're trying to do your business. Hey, Hoss, can you bring me some toilet paper? I left a roll in the glove 

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Yeah, Mick has the keys to our truck.

Harvey: Our best bet is to head towards Corona. They have lots of huge sand dunes out there.

Hoss: Good thinking Harv. Corona is far enough away that no one would think of looking for his body out there.

Harvey: Nobody but us you mean. We can stop in Corona and pick

up a couple of burgers at Burger King.

Hoss: We better stop at Moe's Garage before we leave town. We'll have to fill up with gas if we're driving all the way to Corona.

Harvey: Good idea. I gotta use the washroom real bad.

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss pull up to the gas pumps at Moe's Garage. While Moe is busy with a customer, two of his mechanics

watch the car pull up.

Homer: Hey, Les. Get a load of this. One of those guys in the car looks just like Elmer Fudd and his friend looks like Yosemite Sam.

Les: They're wearing costumes Homer. There's a big rodeo going on in Corona this weekend. Those two dudes are probably rodeo clowns.

Narrator: Moe finishes up at the cash register and then walks up to

the gas pumps. How much gas do you need boys?

Hoss: Can you fill her up? We're driving all the way to Corona.

Moe: For the big rodeo? I noticed your costumes. You guys must be rodeo clowns.

Harvey: No, we're dog catchers. We're on our way to get the keys to our truck. Some rancher has them. We heard that some Air Force guys buried him in the desert.

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in a month?

Moe: How should I know? I'm too busy working on cars in the shop. Anyway, if people took better aim when they took a leak I wouldn't need to clean the washrooms so often.

Dwight: Maybe you should get a toilet with a wider bowl.

Moe: You're a barrel of laughs tonight Dwight, aren't you? Now listen up Dwight. If you drive by my service station again and get a

case of the runs you're going to see an Out of Order sign posted on my washroom door. If I was you Dwight, I'd keep a fresh set of underwear and pants in the trunk of my car.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: Meanwhile Harvey and Hoss are leaving the city compound in their recently borrowed costumes.

Harvey: These disguises are working out great. Now we can ride

to the desert to find Mick.

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Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on

the radio. I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, vomiting and the horrible stench in Moe's washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: Don't worry about it. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we've got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you're not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good night boys.

Dwight: We've got another call coming in, Rick. It's Moe Jenkins,

the owner of Moe's Garage.

Moe: Look Dwight. I don't need you guys telling your listeners that my washroom is dirty and smells bad.

Dwight: When was the last time you cleaned it Moe?

Moe: I just cleaned it last month.

Rick: Moe, how many customers do you figure use your washroom

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Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Floyd: Yes, that's how Nurse Carrie described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Floyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and

that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Floyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe's Garage.

Dwight: That's disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe's washroom. I thought of going behind a big cactus in the desert but I was too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough ,Dwight. Our listeners don't need to hear any

more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Floyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Carrie had to run outside to vomit.

Rick: Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it's Mick Russell.

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Rick (hanging up the phone) : Well listeners that's about all we need to hear from Andy Griffin this evening.

Lloyd: What's with you guys? I came here to tell your listeners some very important information. I didn't come here to talk about some washed up actor like Andy Griffin. I'm here to tell your listeners that every word Mick Russell said is true and I can prove it.

Dwight: How are you going to prove it, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just shut up for a minute and I'll tell you. When I was in Dusty's Tavern I overheard Nurse Carrie and Dennis the mortician talking. Nurse Carrie said that she was in an operating room at the hospital while a surgical team was performing an autopsy on a creature from outer space. Look, I copied down a picture of it on the sleeve of my shirt.

Narrator: Lloyd moved towards the two radio announcers to let them get a better look at the picture that he drew on his sleeve.

Dwight: Whoa! This is cool dude. Lloyd, you are the man!

Rick: Let' see. I'm looking at the picture now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It's probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It's skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that's a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn't have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

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Rick: Ah come on, Lloyd, I've never heard Andy flub his lines on the show.

Lloyd: That's thanks only to me! I hide behind Aunt Bee's couch.

I whisper his lines to him from behind the couch

Dwight: Who would've thought it? Oh no! The red “on air” sign has been on the whole time!

Rick: Our apologies, listeners. We didn't mean for you to hear that. I'm sure the Lloyd the Barber will tell you that he was only joking.

Lloyd: I will not! It's the truth.

Rick: Who would've thought it? We've got a caller on the line that sounds just like Andy Griffin.

Andy Griffin: This is Andy Griffin, you moron. I want you to get

that loser Lloyd the Barber off the air immediately. He's drunk as a skunk. He's been drinking at Dusty's Saloon all afternoon.

Dwight: How do you know that, Andy?

Andy: Because I was watching him from the back of the bar. Lloyd was so drunk that he had to hold onto a rubber palm tree to keep from falling flat his face.

Rick: You sound like you had a few drinks yourself yourself today, Andy.

Andy: Just a couple. This show is slandering my reputation. First Dwight says that I'm too stupid to remember my lines and then Rick is telling people that I have a drinking problem.

Dwight: Well, you know what they say Andy, if the shoe fits wear it.

Andy: That does it! I'm coming down to the station right now to teach you guys some manners.

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Floyd: Damn right I can. I only drank about six Bud. Anyway, you guys are going to be famous worldwide after this interview.

Dwight: Lloyd we know that the Andy Griffin Show is popular in Roswell but I don't think too many people have heard about it anywhere else.

Floyd: I didn't come here to talk about the damn Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: What?! Look Lloyd, the Andy Griffin Show was the top-rated show in Roswell last year and that's what our listeners expect you to

talk about.

Dwight: What else would you talk about? Cutting hair or playing checkers?

Lloyd: You're one funny boy, Dwight. Let me first tell you guys why you don't want me to talk about the Andy Griffin Show. Andy Griffin can't even remember his lines for the show even when he's sober which is not very often.

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Hoss: But what if our supervisor recognizes us?

Dwight: Look you guys, there's some cartoon character costumes in our storage room. Feel free to use those as disguises.

Narrator: Hoss dresses up as Elmer Fudd and Harvey dons the Yosemite Sam costume. As Harvey and Hoss leave the radio station Rick and Dwight are laughing so hard that tears are running down their cheeks.

Rick: Dwight, whose keys are those hanging on the hook in the office?

Dwight: I don't know. I found them on the floor after the Air Force

guys took Mick away.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty's Tavern, Lloyd

decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone's knocking at the door Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I'm only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight let's Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not too steady on his feet.

Rick: You look pretty drunk, Lloyd. Are you sure that you can do the interview?

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Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn't believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring.

Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I'll give him all the blood and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!

Act Seven Scene Three:

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the to dogcatcher start walking back down and about 30 minutes and make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.

Harvey: Look, Hoss. There's our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.

Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.

Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?

Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who come to the station is trying to destroy the place.

Harvey: Don't get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair

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bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you for all the damage.

Hoss: Yeah, we're dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He's got to be in here.

Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck.

Rick: Well, he's not here now.

Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with a

bunch of dead aliens.

Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?

Rick: How did you know?

Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck.

Harvey: Where is Mick now? He's got the keys to our truck.

Dwight: Who knows? The same two Air Force guys kidnapped him again while he was on the air for the second time today.

Rick: Yeah, twice in one day. That boy is having a real bad day.

fifty-six

Dwight: You think Mick's having a bad day? Poor baby. How about us? Our radio station is been trashed twice today.

Hosss: So where do you think the Air Force guys took Mick?

Rick: Well, there are two possibilities. One is that they took him back to the Air Force Base for questioning. The other is they took him out to the desert to shoot him..

Dwight: Rick, The Air Force wouldn't take Mick out into the desert to shoot him.

Rick: Have you ever heard about Hiroshima, Dwight?

Dwight: Oh, yeah. I remember now.

Rick: That's the reason that I'm the lead broadcaster and you're my assistant.

Dwight: I didn't know that. I always thought it was because you married the owner's daughter.

Harvey: Come on, Hoss. We've got to get the keys to the truck back. We'll go to the Air Force Base first. If Mick's not there then we'll search the desert for him.

Hoss: One problem, Harv. How do we get out to the desert?

Harvey: We''ll go to the compound and get your car.

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Steve: Man, I'm getting pretty hungry. We need to find a truck stop. Maybe if we do some walking around we'll find a highway.

Harry: Good idea. We”ll wait for a trucker on his way into town.

Act Seven Scene Two:

Narrator: Jim, the security guard is now driving down the highway on his way to Corona to get the General his burgers, pepperoni sticks and cigars. He sees two hitch hikers trying to thumb a ride. Jim stops to pick them up.

Jim: Howdy boys, I'm going as far as Corona. Will that help you out?

Harry: It sure will. Are there any restaurants in Corona? We're really hungry.

Jim: Well there's a Burger King and a 7-11. It's about a two hour ride to Corona from here. If you guys are really starving I've got a couple boxes of Animal Crackers in the car. Well, hop in boys. I'm running an errand for the General.

Steve: Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate it.

Narrator: Harry and Steve get in the back of Jim's old Volkswagen Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.

Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you're wearing wrestling trunks and boots?

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Harry: Well, right after my last match, two criminals broke in the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.

Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude's clothes. It's really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it's awful chilly out in these parts. We'll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won't be easy though, Harry. You're a pretty big guy.

Steve: Harry's stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.

Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When's your next match?

Steve: I'm the Mauler's manager. We're out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He's barred from all our old territories because he has a bad habit of hanging promoters over the bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don't book him in the main event. I'm going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?

Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He's the guy I'm running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troops morale. I'll tell you what. You buys boys ride with me to Roswell after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.

Steve: Gee thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.

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colors.

Steve: I don't know . Let's check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that's all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can't resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmers field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would've thought of a better escape?

Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!

Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the guards chasing after them.

Harry: Meanwhile we're in a different state 50 years in the past.

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cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear

rattling and hissing sounds behind him.

Hoss: Watch out Harv! There's a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike right behind you. Don't worry I'll try to scare him off.

Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.

Harvey: Hoss, get me to the Roswell Hospital fast! I need to get a shot of the antidote for the snake venom.

Act Nine Scene Two:

Narrator: It is now time to bring back two characters from my previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O'Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry O'Finsky were in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O'Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We'll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested or killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, It's mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What's that big fancy wheel with all the fancy

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with the heatstroke. We just finished working this kid's picnic. We

were out in the hot sun for a couple of hours. It gets mighty hot in these costumes. We're in a hurry to get to the rodeo so we didn't have time to change out of our costumes.

Harvey: Yeah, and my stomach is starting to feel a little queasy. Can I get the keys to your washroom?

Moe: The washroom's all boarded up. Two guys from the Health Department shut her down this morning. They said they were listening to Rick and Dwight's radio show and heard that my washroom was filthy.

Harvey: What can I do? I got to go real bad.

Moe: Well, I got a big cactus plant growing behind the garage. Nobody can see you from the road.

Narrator: Harvey gets behind the big cactus plant and tries to unzip his costume. The zipper gets stuck and Harvey has to cut a hole in the backside of the costume with his Swiss Army knife. Harvey leans back on the cactus plant in order to get his balance. His butt gets punctured by the thorns sticking out of the cactus plant.

Harvey: Yow! That hurts. There's nothing like getting cactus prickles in your butt when you're trying to do your business. Hey, Hoss, can you bring me some toilet paper? I left a roll in the glove compartment.

Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the