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Page forty-eight

Hoss: We better stop at Moe's Garage before we leave town. We'll have to fill up with gas if we're driving all the way to Corona.

Harvey: Good idea. I gotta use the washroom real bad.

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss pull up to the gas pumps at Moe's Garage. While Moe is busy with a customer, two of his mechanics

watch the car pull up.

Homer: Hey, Les. Get a load of this. One of those guys in the car looks just like Elmer Fudd and his friend looks like Yosemite Sam.

Les: They're wearing costumes Homer. There's a big rodeo going on in Corona this weekend. Those two dudes are probably rodeo clowns.

Narrator: Moe finishes up at the cash register and then walks up to

the gas pumps. How much gas do you need boys?

Hoss: Can you fill her up? We're driving all the way to Corona.

Moe: For the big rodeo? I noticed your costumes. You guys must be rodeo clowns.

Harvey: No, we're dog catchers. We're on our way to get the keys to our truck. Some rancher has them. We heard that some Air Force guys buried him in the desert.

Moe: What?!

Hoss: Harvey doesn't know what he's saying. He's out of his head

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Page forty-seven

Anyway, if people took better aim when they took a leak I wouldn't need to clean the washrooms so often.

Dwight: Maybe you should get a toilet with a wider bowl.

Moe: You're a barrel of laughs tonight Dwight, aren't you? Now listen up Dwight. If you drive by my service station again and get a

case of the runs you're going to see an Out of Order sign posted on my washroom door. If I was you Dwight, I'd keep a fresh set of underwear and pants in the trunk of my car.

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: Meanwhile Harvey and Hoss are leaving the city compound in their recently borrowed costumes.

Harvey: These disguises are working out great. Now we can ride out

to the desert to find Mick.

Hoss: Yeah, Mick has the keys to our truck.

Harvey: Our best bet is to head towards Corona. They have lots of huge sand dunes out there.

Hoss: Good thinking Harv. Corona is far enough away that no one would think of looking for his body out there.

Harvey: Nobody but us you mean. We can stop in Corona and pick

up a couple of burgers at Burger King.

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page forty-six

the radio. I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, vomiting and the horrible stench in Moe's washroom.. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: Don't worry about it. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we've got you on the line what do you make of

the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you're not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good night boys.

Dwight: We've got another call coming in, Rick. It's Moe Jenkins, the owner of Moe's Garage.

Moe: Look Dwight. I don't need you guys telling your listeners that my washroom is dirty and smells bad.

Dwight: When was the last time you cleaned it Moe?

Moe: I just cleaned it last month.

Rick: Moe, how many customers do you figure use your washroom in a month?

Moe: How should I know? I'm too busy working on cars in the shop.

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Page forty-five

Lloyd: Yes, that's how Nurse Carrie described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and

that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Floyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe's Garage.

Dwight: That's disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe's washroom. I thought of going behind a big cactus in the desert but I was too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough ,Dwight. Our listeners don't need to hear any

more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Carrie had to run outside to vomit.

Rick: Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it's Mick Russell.

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on

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Page forty-four

Lloyd: What's with you guys? I came here to tell your listeners some very important information. I didn't come here to talk about some washed up actor like Andy Griffin. I'm here to tell your listeners that every word Mick Russell said is true and I can prove it.

Dwight: How are you going to prove it, Lloyd?

Floyd: Just shut up for a minute and I'll tell you. When I was in Dusty's Tavern I overheard Nurse Carrie and Dennis the mortician talking. Nurse Carrie said that she was in an operating room at the hospital while a surgical team was performing an autopsy on a creature from outer space. Look, I copied down a picture of it on the sleeve of my shirt.

Narrator: Lloyd moved towards the two radio announcers to let them get a better look at the picture that he drew on his sleeve.

Dwight: Whoa! This is cool dude. Lloyd, you are the man!

Rick: Let' see. I'm looking at the picture now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It's probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It's skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Floyd: No, that's a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn't have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

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Page forty-three

Lloyd: That's only because I'm hiding behind Aunt Bee's sofa whispering his lines to him.

Rick: Who would've thought it? We've got a caller on the line that sounds just like Andy Griffin.

Andy Griffin: This is Andy Griffin, you moron. I want you to get

that loser Lloyd the Barber off the air immediately. He's drunk as a skunk. He's been drinking at Dusty's Saloon all afternoon.

Dwight: How do you know that, Andy?

Andy: Because I was watching him from the back of the bar. Lloyd was so drunk that he had a hold onto a rubber palm tree to keep from falling flat his face.

Rick: You sound like you had a few drinks yourself today, Andy.

Andy: This show is slandering my reputation. First, Dwight says that I'm too stupid to remember my lines and then Rick is telling people

that I have a drinking problem.

Dwight: Well, you know what they say Andy, if the shoe fits wear it.

Andy: That does it! I'm coming down to the station right now to teach you guys some manners.

Rick (hanging up the phone) : Well listeners that's about all we need to hear from Andy Griffin this evening.

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page forty-two

movies.

Rick: Good evening loyal listeners. We've had quite a day here at the radio station.

Dwight: You can say that again. We had two interviews with Mick Russell and both times the military busted in and kidnapped him.

Rick: And it's not over yet. Were going to finish off today's broadcast

with an exclusive interview with Lloyd the Barber from the Andy Griffin show.

Rick: Well Lloyd, how was work on the set today?

Lloyd: I didn't go to work today. I phoned in sick.

Dwight: Well I guess you need a break from all the excitement. I mean working on the same set with Andy Griffin and all.

Lloyd: Are you kidding? It's more exciting counting the tiles on my linoleum floor.

Rick: How can you say that Lloyd?

Lloyd: Because it's the bloody truth. Your listeners have the right to know. Andy Griffin is a dim witted old fool. I mean the guy can't even remember his lines for the show.

Dwight: That's not true Lloyd. I hear Andy say his lines every week on t.v.