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the sidewalk I think the judge fined them both and sent them home.

Judge Col. Sanders: Any more cases of the docket today, George?

County Clerk: Sheriff Pyle just arrived with a new case.

Judge Sanders: So, what you got for me, Sheriff?

Sheriff Pyle: There was a big brawl at the hospital. I have four defendants charged with assault and causing a public disturbance.

Judge Sanders: Do they have legal representation?

Sheriff Pyle: No sir.

Judge Sanders: Which lawyers are available, George?

County Clerk: Terry Mason and Padlock should be arriving in town this evening.

Judge Sanders: Good. Leave a message at their hotel rooms telling them to be in court at 9 AM tomorrow.

County Clerk: I''ll get right on it, sir.

Sheriff Pyle: Judge, where are the prisoners going to stay overnight? There's no room for them at the jail.

Judge Sanders: Rent them some rooms at Dusty's Tavern. Just make sure you have guards supervising them overnight.

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Act Nine Scene Three:

Narrator: Before leaving for court Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy Griffin.

Sheriff Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?

Andy: I'm on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight and Rick some manners. They've been dissing me all day on their show.

Sheriff Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little

while, Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.

Andy: No problem. You didn't charge me with three drunk and disorderlies last month.

Sheriff: I didn't want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I'll need some help supervising them until they go to court in the morning. Do you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their rooms tonight?

Andy: This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can get Garney and me the real law enforcement officer badges? Real ones I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges that they give us for the show.

Sheriff: Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones of my desk.

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Andy: Fantastic! How about FBI badges? You got any of those?

Sheriff: Sorry, Andy, you need to get those from J Edgar Hoover.

Andy: Man, I always wanted to be a real cop but they wouldn't let me let me because I had a long juvenile record for stealing bikes and drinking under age.

Sheriff: Well that's all behind you now Andy. You're a grown man now. Your juvenile record has been expunged. How about you and Barney meet me down at Dusty's Tavern in about half an hour? I'll

have some official law enforcement badges ready when you get there.

Andy: Hot diggity dog! We'll be there as soon as I get a hold of Garney. He applied to be a state trooper once but was turned down because he's too short.

Act Nine Scene Four:

Narrator: The Sheriff and his prisoners arrive at the lobby of the Roswell Hotel. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are already waiting for them. Just outside the hotel a big, black limousine pulls up.

Hotel Clerk: Bellboy, the two famous lawyers from out of town have arrived. Help them bring their luggage in.

Bellboy: Holy crow! It's Terry Mason and Padlock.

Sheriff: Clerk, I need rooms for four prisoners.

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Hotel clerk: Prisoners? You came to the wrong place. This is a hotel not a jail.

Sheriff: We only have one cell in the jail in town. I'm not going to stick three men and one lady in the same cell. It's against the law.

Hotel clerk: Well, they're not staying here. This hotel has a reputation to uphold. Why don't you try the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque?

Sheriff: Have it your way. I'll just take a quick look in the beverage room to see if there are any under age drinkers in there. If there are I will have to shut down your establishment.

Hotel clerk: All right the prisoners can stay here but we only have two rooms available. The two lawyers have the other rooms reserved.

Sheriff: That's okay. The three male prisoners will stay in one room and the female can have a room to herself.

General Kane: How many beds are in each room?

Hotel clerk: Two, but we can bring in a cot for the third person.

General Kane: Well, I'm the general so I get one of the beds.

Dr. Zorba: And I'm a doctor so I get the other bed. The wrestler can sleep on the cot.

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Mauler: Why don't we have an arm wrestling contest to see who gets the beds?

Sheriff: Forget it. Tonight's sleeping arrangements have been finalized.

Hotel clerk: None of these prisoners are violent, are they?

Sheriff: All of them are extremely dangerous but don't worry. I've hired special reinforcements. Andy Griffin and his deputy Garney

Fife will be here to help me guard the prisoners all night.

Hotel clerk: Andy Griffin and Garney Fife? Those guys aren't real police. They're actors.

Bellboy: Yeah Dude, this is real life not a TV show.

Andy: Watch the attitude son. Sheriff Pyle just handed Deputy Fife

and I official New Mexico state trooper badges.

Bellboy: Now, let me get this straight. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are the police and Terry Mason and Padlock are the lawyers.

Sheriff: That's right.

Bellboy: Who's going to be the judge? Col. Sanders?

Sheriff: How did you know?

Bellboy: Nevermind. I got to take Mr. Mason and Mr. Padlock to

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their rooms.

Narrator: The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.

Sheriff: Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside the prisoners doors.

Perry Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white wine?

Dusty: What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.

Perry Mason: You don't understand, sir. This is Terry Mason.

Dusty: Yeah, right. And I'm Padlock.

Perry Mason: No. Padlock's in room two.

Narrator: Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room number three.

Dr. Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night

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and all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.

General Kane: Apologize for what?

Dr. Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.

General Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting headache but I wouldn't go to the hospital just for that. I'm too tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.

Dr. Zorba: You don't remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds like case of temporary amnesia.

General Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of weeks ago.

Mauler: By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold with a flying head butt.

Dr. Zorba: I don't remember anything about that. The last thing I remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and asked them to bring a cot. And ask them icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for the General while you're at it.

General Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn't mind a bottle of good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.

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Narrator: The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the bellboy.

Mauler: Bellboy, this is room three. We'd like to order an ice pack, a bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser beer. Oh I just about forgot. We'll need a cot for the room, too.

Bellboy: Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn't allow prisoners to order booze.

Narrator: The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to General Kane.

General Kane: Listen Son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots that the VC used for sleeping. We'd pull out the stuffing and load them up with time bombs. And then we'd sew them up and wait for the enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be just like the Fourth of July.

Bellboy: I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.

General Kane: You catch on fast, son.

Bellboy: I'm taking quite a risk here, sir. What's in it for me?

General Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?

Bellboy: I love wrestling but I can't afford the tickets for the Air

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Force Base wrestling cards.

General Kane: I'll tell you what, son. I'm the wrestling promoter at the Air Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I'll get you a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I'll make sure you get an exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.

Bell Boy: Hot diggity dog! I'm working on your order as we speak sir.

Narrator: After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.

General Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let's see what's on.

Mauler: Hey,what luck! It's the Andy Griffin Show.

Narrator: The three prisoners hear someone knocking on the wall from the room next door.

Nurse Carrie: Hey, you guys have any food in there? I'm starving.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.

Nurse Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won't see me.

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Mauler: No problem. There's a door here next to your room. It's locked but I'll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.

Narrator: Mauler pries the lock open and let's Nurse Carrie in.

Dr. Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We're all under arrest but we can't remember what we were arrested for.

General Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can't you see that the poor girl is starving?

Mauler: Yeah, I want to watch Andy Griffin Show first anyway.

General Kane: Ha ha. There's Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.

Narrator: While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.

Dr. Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can't remember his lines.

Nurse Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it's his turn to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bee's sofa?

Dr. Zorba: Why does he do that?

Nurse Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his lines to him.

Andy Griffith: That's it Garney! I've heard enough. Let's bust down

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the door right now and raid their little party.

Narrator: Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoners hotel room.

Andy: Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?

Barney: Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?

Andy: All right, the party's over boys and girls. Let's get all the food

and booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff anyway?

Barney: Elmer's still in the washroom. The poor guy's been constipated all day.

General Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day and he's not used to working this hard.

Dr. Zorba: The Sheriff's no spring chicken either. He just got a

couple of months left before retirement.

General Kane: That's precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep. Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Barney can lift Elmer off the toilet. We'll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable sleep on the cot tonight.

Andy: That's very considerate of you General, but I'm still mad as

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hell about the way you guys were dissing me.

Mauler: Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you'd be listening to our conversation outside the door.

Andy: You mean you weren't serious?

Nurse Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.

Dr. Zorba: It's a great honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.

Garney: They sure had you going there, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I've always enjoyed a good joke.

General Kane: I just got a great idea . Instead of letting all this good food and drink go to waste, why don't you and Garney guard us from inside our room?

Mauler: That's brilliant, General! There's more than enough food and drinks here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some more.

Andy: That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?

General Kane: Just what we discussed previously. Just be careful taking Elmer off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don't want

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to wake him up.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, don't worry. I'll give the Sheriff a shot of Zanax. He'll sleep like a baby all night.

Narrator: Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to find Sheriff Pyle.

TO BE CONTINUED

END OF VOLUME ONE

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