page
ninety
the
sidewalk I think the judge fined them both and sent them home.
Judge
Col. Sanders: Any more cases of the docket today, George?
County
Clerk: Sheriff Pyle just arrived with a new case.
Judge
Sanders: So, what you got for me, Sheriff?
Sheriff
Pyle: There was a big brawl at the hospital. I have four defendants
charged with assault and causing a public disturbance.
Judge
Sanders: Do they have legal representation?
Sheriff
Pyle: No sir.
Judge
Sanders: Which lawyers are available, George?
County
Clerk: Terry Mason and Padlock should be arriving in town this
evening.
Judge
Sanders: Good. Leave a message at their hotel rooms telling them to
be in court at 9 AM tomorrow.
County
Clerk: I''ll get right on it, sir.
Sheriff
Pyle: Judge, where are the prisoners going to stay overnight? There's
no room for them at the jail.
Judge
Sanders: Rent them some rooms at Dusty's Tavern. Just make sure you
have guards supervising them overnight.
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ninety-one
Act
Nine Scene Three:
Narrator:
Before leaving for court Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy
Griffin.
Sheriff
Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?
Andy:
I'm on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight
and Rick some manners. They've been dissing me all day on their show.
Sheriff
Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little
while,
Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.
Andy:
No problem. You didn't charge me with three drunk and disorderlies
last month.
Sheriff:
I didn't want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in
this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in
custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I'll need
some help supervising them until they go to court in the morning. Do
you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their
rooms tonight?
Andy:
This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can
get Garney and me the real law enforcement officer badges? Real ones
I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges that they give us for the
show.
Sheriff:
Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones of my desk.
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ninety-two
Andy:
Fantastic! How about FBI badges? You got any of those?
Sheriff:
Sorry, Andy, you need to get those from J Edgar Hoover.
Andy:
Man, I always wanted to be a real cop but they wouldn't let me let me
because I had a long juvenile record for stealing bikes and drinking
under age.
Sheriff:
Well that's all behind you now Andy. You're a grown man now. Your
juvenile record has been expunged. How about you and Barney meet me
down at Dusty's Tavern in about half an hour? I'll
have
some official law enforcement badges ready when you get there.
Andy:
Hot diggity dog! We'll be there as soon as I get a hold of Garney. He
applied to be a state trooper once but was turned down because he's
too short.
Act
Nine Scene Four:
Narrator:
The Sheriff and his prisoners arrive at the lobby of the Roswell
Hotel. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are already waiting for them.
Just outside the hotel a big, black limousine pulls up.
Hotel
Clerk: Bellboy, the two famous lawyers from out of town have arrived.
Help them bring their luggage in.
Bellboy:
Holy crow! It's Terry Mason and Padlock.
Sheriff:
Clerk, I need rooms for four prisoners.
Page
ninety-three
Hotel
clerk: Prisoners? You came to the wrong place. This is a hotel not a
jail.
Sheriff:
We only have one cell in the jail in town. I'm not going to stick
three men and one lady in the same cell. It's against the law.
Hotel
clerk: Well, they're not staying here. This hotel has a reputation to
uphold. Why don't you try the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque?
Sheriff:
Have it your way. I'll just take a quick look in the beverage room to
see if there are any under age drinkers in there. If there are I will
have to shut down your establishment.
Hotel
clerk: All right the prisoners can stay here but we only have two
rooms available. The two lawyers have the other rooms reserved.
Sheriff:
That's okay. The three male prisoners will stay in one room and the
female can have a room to herself.
General
Kane: How many beds are in each room?
Hotel
clerk: Two, but we can bring in a cot for the third person.
General
Kane: Well, I'm the general so I get one of the beds.
Dr.
Zorba: And I'm a doctor so I get the other bed. The wrestler can
sleep on the cot.
Page
ninety-four
Mauler:
Why don't we have an arm wrestling contest to see who gets the beds?
Sheriff:
Forget it. Tonight's sleeping arrangements have been finalized.
Hotel
clerk: None of these prisoners are violent, are they?
Sheriff:
All of them are extremely dangerous but don't worry. I've hired
special reinforcements. Andy Griffin and his deputy Garney
Fife
will be here to help me guard the prisoners all night.
Hotel
clerk: Andy Griffin and Garney Fife? Those guys aren't real police.
They're actors.
Bellboy:
Yeah Dude, this is real life not a TV show.
Andy:
Watch the attitude son. Sheriff Pyle just handed Deputy Fife
and
I official New Mexico state trooper badges.
Bellboy:
Now, let me get this straight. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are the
police and Terry Mason and Padlock are the lawyers.
Sheriff:
That's right.
Bellboy:
Who's going to be the judge? Col. Sanders?
Sheriff:
How did you know?
Bellboy:
Nevermind. I got to take Mr. Mason and Mr. Padlock to
page
ninety-five
their
rooms.
Narrator:
The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the
Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.
Sheriff:
Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of
packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three
chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside
the prisoners doors.
Perry
Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York
sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white
wine?
Dusty:
What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you
a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can
pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.
Perry
Mason: You don't understand, sir. This is Terry Mason.
Dusty:
Yeah, right. And I'm Padlock.
Perry
Mason: No. Padlock's in room two.
Narrator:
Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr.
Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room
number three.
Dr.
Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night
page
ninety-six
and
all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.
General
Kane: Apologize for what?
Dr.
Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.
General
Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting
headache but I wouldn't go to the hospital just for that. I'm too
tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could
use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.
Dr.
Zorba: You don't remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds
like case of temporary amnesia.
General
Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic
training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of
weeks ago.
Mauler:
By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold
with a flying head butt.
Dr.
Zorba: I don't remember anything about that. The last thing I
remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my
mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and asked
them to bring a cot. And ask them icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for
the General while you're at it.
General
Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some
burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn't mind a bottle of
good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.
Page
ninety-seven
Narrator:
The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the
bellboy.
Mauler:
Bellboy, this is room three. We'd like to order an ice pack, a
bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a
bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser
beer. Oh I just about forgot. We'll need a cot for the room, too.
Bellboy:
Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn't allow
prisoners to order booze.
Narrator:
The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to
General Kane.
General
Kane: Listen Son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots
that the VC used for sleeping. We'd pull out the stuffing and load
them up with time bombs. And then we'd sew them up and wait for the
enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be
just like the Fourth of July.
Bellboy:
I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the
cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.
General
Kane: You catch on fast, son.
Bellboy:
I'm taking quite a risk here, sir. What's in it for me?
General
Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?
Bellboy:
I love wrestling but I can't afford the tickets for the Air
page
ninety-eight
Force
Base wrestling cards.
General
Kane: I'll tell you what, son. I'm the wrestling promoter at the Air
Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I'll get you
a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars
and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I'll make sure you get an
exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.
Bell
Boy: Hot diggity dog! I'm working on your order as we speak sir.
Narrator:
After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing
all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up
the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.
General
Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let's see what's on.
Mauler:
Hey,what luck! It's the Andy Griffin Show.
Narrator:
The three prisoners hear someone knocking on the wall from the room
next door.
Nurse
Carrie: Hey, you guys have any food in there? I'm starving.
Dr.
Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.
Nurse
Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won't see me.
Page
ninety-nine
Mauler:
No problem. There's a door here next to your room. It's locked but
I'll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.
Narrator:
Mauler pries the lock open and let's Nurse Carrie in.
Dr.
Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We're all under arrest
but we can't remember what we were arrested for.
General
Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can't you see that the
poor girl is starving?
Mauler:
Yeah, I want to watch Andy Griffin Show first anyway.
General
Kane: Ha ha. There's Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.
Narrator:
While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening
through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.
Dr.
Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can't remember his lines.
Nurse
Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it's his turn
to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bee's sofa?
Dr.
Zorba: Why does he do that?
Nurse
Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his
lines to him.
Andy
Griffith: That's it Garney! I've heard enough. Let's bust down
page
one hundred
the
door right now and raid their little party.
Narrator:
Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoners
hotel room.
Andy:
Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?
Barney:
Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And
how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?
Andy:
All right, the party's over boys and girls. Let's get all the food
and
booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff
anyway?
Barney:
Elmer's still in the washroom. The poor guy's been constipated all
day.
General
Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day
and he's not used to working this hard.
Dr.
Zorba: The Sheriff's no spring chicken either. He just got a
couple
of months left before retirement.
General
Kane: That's precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep.
Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can
ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Barney can lift
Elmer off the toilet. We'll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable
sleep on the cot tonight.
Andy:
That's very considerate of you General, but I'm still mad as
page
one hundred and one
hell
about the way you guys were dissing me.
Mauler:
Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you'd be listening
to our conversation outside the door.
Andy:
You mean you weren't serious?
Nurse
Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.
Dr.
Zorba: It's a great honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.
Garney:
They sure had you going there, Andy.
Andy:
Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I've always enjoyed a
good joke.
General
Kane: I just got a great idea . Instead of letting all this good food
and drink go to waste, why don't you and Garney guard us from inside
our room?
Mauler:
That's brilliant, General! There's more than enough food and drinks
here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some
more.
Andy:
That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?
General
Kane: Just what we discussed previously. Just be careful taking Elmer
off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don't want
page
one hundred two
to
wake him up.
Dr.
Zorba: Yeah, don't worry. I'll give the Sheriff a shot of Zanax.
He'll sleep like a baby all night.
Narrator:
Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to
find Sheriff Pyle.
TO
BE CONTINUED
END
OF VOLUME ONE
.
.
